I remember talking to my therapist Sherry, a few years ago. I was spinning out about a bad phone call with my mom. I had a migraine, but I answered the phone anyway. It led to a fight and her hanging up on me. When I told Sherry this, her response was “You had a migraine. Why did you answer the phone?”

It was in that one question that I realized my own agency. It was my choice to pick up the call. I could’ve texted back and said “I have a migraine, call you later”.

I used to think boundaries were selfish. They were about keeping people out or building a wall. I hated being the person who disappointed everyone and so I kept saying yes. To big and small things.

Sound familiar?

My friend Sara has spent years helping people figure this out. She’s a mentor who works with people who are navigating big life transitions, and she built a Masterclass called “Boundary Architect” when she realized this was at the core of what her clients were struggling with. And if we’re being honest, in herself too.

I asked her to share what she knows. Here's what she said.

Boundaries are the thing that helps us be all of ourselves.

Not part of ourselves. All of ourselves.

Here's what I see most often with the high achievers I work with. They are rock solid at work. They know who they are as leaders. They know what they stand for. But the moment they walk through the front door at home, something shifts. They get wobbly. They over give, over extend, people please. And they can't figure out why they feel so depleted all the time.

What's happening is a fracture. You're showing up as different versions of yourself in different places, and that is exhausting. It drains your energy in a way that nothing else can.

And at the root of it? A misunderstanding about what a boundary actually is.

That people think boundaries are for other people. They're not. A boundary is for you. When you hand the power of your boundary over to someone else, like waiting for them to respect it before you feel better, you've given away the very thing that was meant to protect you.

Here's the other thing people get wrong. They think boundaries push people away. But in my experience, the opposite is true. When people know where you stand, they feel safer with you. Relationships actually get deeper.

Sometimes it's verbal. Sometimes it's not. Not every boundary needs to be declared out loud. Some boundaries are just agreements you make with yourself and then honour.

But when you do need to say something out loud, you don't have to have it all figured out in the moment. One of the phrases that changed everything for me in the early days was simply: "Let me sit with that and get back to you."

That's it. No big speech. No explanation. Just buying yourself enough time to check in with what you actually want. Because saying no when you're not used to it is genuinely hard. Your nervous system needs time to catch up. You have to baby step your way there.

You stop operating from depletion. Because here's the truth about burnout. Low or no boundaries are almost always at the root of it. When you are constantly overextending your time, energy, and resources without ever replenishing them, your body will eventually force you to stop. Whether that looks like crashing for a weekend or something much more serious, the body keeps the score.

You cannot keep giving from an empty tank. Boundaries are how you fill it back up.

I love how Sara frames it. Boundaries as a bridge, not a wall. A way into your most whole self, not a way of shutting people out.

That reframe alone changed something in me.

This week, pay attention to where you feel yourself saying yes when you mean no. You don't have to do anything about it yet. Just notice it.

Where does your body feel it? A tightness in your chest? A sinking feeling? That's information.

Then try Sara's phrase. Next time something comes up that you're not sure about, give yourself space. Say, "Let me sit with that and get back to you." See what it feels like to take that pause before you give your answer away.

And if you want to go deeper…
Think about an area of your life where you would have wanted to say no, and you haven’t been able to. Do you feel yourself shrink inside, or do your shoulders curl inward in a protective stance, at the thought of verbalizing it? Notice what’s happening in your body. This is your first cue that there might be a boundary you need to say out loud.

Why this matters:
You can't show up fully for anyone, your work, your people, your purpose, when you're running on empty. Boundaries aren't selfish. They're how you stay in the game.

Want to challenge yourself?
Share in the comments one place where you're going to practice pausing before you say yes. I'd love to hear it.

If you’re reading this via email, just click “Read Online” in the top right corner to view (and comment on) the web version.

With love and gratitude,
Jenn & Sara

P.S. You can learn more about Sara's Boundary Architect Masterclass at lluminatedjoy.com and follow her on Instagram at @illuminatedjoy